days and weeks and months...so fast...

...asia is a part of me. identifying with the people of my very own blood brought me to my knees. as i listened to stories and observed everyday life with my filipino family i was a mixture emotions. finding understanding between the culture, language, and values tested my patience. i often have to concentrate on the reasoning of things such as lifestyle and preference all the while learning again that much of culture is neutral. spending time in my mother's country (without my mother) gave me perspective that was entirely my own. honestly, much of my time was difficult. asking God for vision and love for my family kept me aware of the fact that i did not have it. sure i have love for my family, but was i loving them? did i see them they way that Jesus sees them? i am still asking these questions, looking back.

while i have yet to discover God's purpose in having me here, i no less have been seeing his hand.

Currently Reading The End of Poverty: Economic Possibilities for Our Time By Jeffrey Sachs see related

Elmer and Ruth Fox. my lovely grandparents on my father's side. my grandmother, Ruth, passed away on thursday morning. after falling and breaking her hip last week she went to the hospital and needed surgery as well as a respirator. in all her body was just shutting down. she died peacefully and in little physical pain.

i am half way around the world while my family mourns together in familiar settings. the picture was taken during the last time i saw my grandmother. i am sad. i have never had anyone so close to me die. ironic that the first is my dear grandmother and i am far away. it seems that my emotions are just as far. i can't seem to cry or feel much of anything except the awareness that i am not there. i miss my family.

Ruth took david and i into the living room of her house when we were both six years old. we knelt down on the floor, eyes closed, tears running, hands clenched together tightly. and we prayed. as simple as a child could and with faith that i believe has lasted the span of our lives. She would always make us cream of wheat or oat meal in the mornings. the table would be a nice spread of apple sauce, cocoa, peanut butter, burnt toast, juice and milk. my grandmother was german, she knew how to feed to young boys. her accent was thick and beautiful and comforting. she could sing and play the piano and quote nearly the entire bible for memory. every visit was concluded with prayer. we would circle around each other and hold hands. and in unison pray aloud to God. we did this for as long as i can remember. david and i would usually stare at the ground and occasionally mumble something short like, "thankyoujesus". everyday, my grandmother prayed for her family. She was thankful for her life, her family, her husband, her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, and mostly for God. i am thankful for her.

The northeastern part of Thailand is called Esan. From where we are we can see mountains in Cambodia. the land is vast with green plant life but all is flat. there are fields and fields peppered with trees growing randomly all over. it somewhat reminds me of the midwest.

we are staying at Kantharalak church which is in the Sri Siket province. it is a young, small church but very much alive and the pastor and his wife are very sweet people. so far we have made visits to a prison, a hospital, schools, and homes in surrounding villages. we are teaching english at a local language school here in the city. the kids are junior high ages and all of them are extremely shy and of course cute. this morning i taught eleven teachers, all of which spoke very little broken english. they were a lot of fun. the schools are very open in allowing us to share our faith. we are making the most of our opportunities as they come. one thing that has been puzzling me is all the attention we are getting. every time we walk into a school we are treated like celebrities. the kids want autographs and notes and we are expected to present a 'show' for them. no doubt, we are foreigners in their country and in this city the sight of a foreigner is hard to come by. sometimes i think we are paid way too much importance and treated famously for the wrong reasons. we are just ordinary people. we are no better or worse than any one kid in our classes. this has been one thing that i am forced to wrestle with.

last night we went to a church members house for dinner. it is humbling to be fed, more than enough, by a family that has so little. they give and give...from their hearts...not expecting anything in return...they want to bless us. indeed, we are blessed. more than that. we are humbled.

there is a boy who lives near the church. his name is peter. he is sixteen and mentally disabled. this boy is beautiful! he has brought me so much joy being here. there is something about the happiness in another that i long to have. he shares it freely and makes you feel loved. i struggle to love people i know and this kid wins my heart just with a smile and a grunt. he's my hero.

i've been reading quite a bit these days. getting lost in someone's story is one of the most relaxing things. i've been writing some as well. thoughts and thoughts drain into my journal and i can't help but feel this strange desire to have someone read this stuff. ....uhhh......that is most likely because i will gladly read anyone's journal/diary if one would allow it. (i have to warn you, that i have been caught with someone else's journal in my hand a time or two. i think it's mere curiosity.)

this one is over...

Currently Reading When Broken Glass Floats: Growing Up Under the Khmer Rouge By Chanrithy Him see related

i made a mistake about the date i would be going on outreach. i am actually leaving tonight! we will catch a bus to bangkok, 12 hours, and from there travel east to Issan, maybe 8 hours. i do like traveling however, thailand bus rides are not the most fun experiences. and, i am very sick. i think i got food poisoning sat. night and have been in bed since then. anyone ordering New Zealand lamb might want to reconsider. being sick is a strange thing. my head is spinning and i feel physically exhausted due to the regular trips to the bathroom. nothing feels good right now. and the illness seems to permeate through the rest of me. my emotions, my attitude, my mind all seem to be out of sorts.

we will be gone for five weeks. i am not sure if i will have access to a computer while i am gone so if you don't hear from me that is why. thank you all for praying and supporting me. i am encouraged to know that you are there...trusting...believing...